John Mayer Syndrome

It’s time for me to take to the interweb with a rant I’ve practiced all too often while scanning celebrity headlines online. Can we just stop with John Mayer?

Today’s internet surfing informed me that the 35-year old sleazebag is back on with Katy Perry, and dedicated a love song to her at his concert this weekend.¬†At first, I thought to myself- how could Katy do this? Has she not seen the string of broken hearts that John Mayer has left in his wake over the years? Jennifer Aniston, Minka Kelly, Taylor Swift (who dedicated a song of her own to him after the break-up), Jessica Simpson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt all make the list of John Mayer’s former flames. Say what you will about these lovely ladies, but at least one or two of them probably has a sensible head on their shoulders and a healthy self esteem to boot. It’s not their fault, really. Nor is it Katy’s. They just have John Mayer Syndrome.

John Mayer Syndrome is a phenomenon all too common in the dating world, wherein a totally commitment-phobic jerk is able to fool the world of women into thinking he’s a romantic by performing over-the-top acts of love and adoration. For John Mayer, it’s easy. Just listen to Your Body is a Wonderland and close your eyes and you’re halfway in love with the guy. Now imagine that he’s singing to you casually over breakfast in bed or even dedicating songs to you in front of thousands of adoring fans. These girls never had a shot.

But it’s not just John Mayer that can charm a girl into thinking that he’s the one even if he’s really, really not. It’s an art of misdirection. Have you ever forgiven an argument before it’s really resolved because of flowers or a great kiss? Often this doesn’t really matter, but for serious relationship deal-breakers, this can be a real problem. Cutting off communication about your relationship with romantic gestures may seem sweet at the time, but it’s a symptom of John Mayer Syndrome. If your serious talks are interrupted with sweet nothings, it may be a sign that the serious talks aren’t going to end well.

The important thing to learn from John Mayer Syndrome is that flowers and poetry doesn’t make up for being a genuinely pleasant person to be around. And charm and good looks, though they’re great, don’t make up for honesty and wanting the same things that you do. Let John’s string of heartbroken exes inspire you to look past the John Mayers of the world and find the guy who’s right for you, even if he can’t melt your heart with a song. And if he can do that too, then lucky you.