Anti-Social Knights: 5 Crimes We Should Really Be Worrying About

A while back (and I mean a while back), I read a BBC report that Police in England introduced a Knight School for children who displayed early symptoms of anti-social behavior  No, you haven’t misread that last sentence, it did say ‘Knight’ and not ‘Night’. The idea was to introduce an “old- fashioned chivalrous code of conduct.” Why do I bring this up? Well, I thought of it today, and while it’s amusing, it also gives me a chance to make a list of problems that still occur.

No longer will I hear the cries of “go away”, instead I shall be forced to endure the frightening threat of “A pox upon you!” According to the BBC article, the scheme was for 100 children between the ages of 6 and 8 and the police claim youth crime in the town has halved. The police claimed 50% of the crime in that town was being caused by one hundred 6 to 8 year old children and not the teenagers who they stigmatize and criminalize the length and breadth of the country, often simply because they choose the wrong sort of clothes and not because of their actions. As everyone so obviously and blatantly knows every single child ever who was polite at 6 or 8 grew up to be the most perfect human beings.

Children who successfully completed the course, which involved everything from smartening their appearance to improving manners and taking part in community projects, were then knighted by the Lord Lieutenant of Lincolnshire, at a ceremony at Tattershall Castle. As a reward, the trainees received a set of armor, a wooden shield, and sword.

The quote above was the funniest part of the report though. Basically the children were being taught that criminals do not have smart appearances and are all rude. That those who choose to be of smart appearance never displayed anti-social behavior. And yes, the trainees received a set of armor, a wooden shield, and sword. Now where I come from that is asking for trouble. I have no idea if the program was successful, but anyway, what crimes should we be really be worrying about today?

Underage Jousting. The last thing we need in this country is teenagers putting on their hoodies and getting on the back of their horses (I guess they’ll have to make do with leaning out the windows of crap old cars they’ve tried to mod) with their lance in hand. The winners will get handed the much sought after Burberry baseball cap from the fair maiden in white tracksuit at the local vandalized bus stop. (She, of course, will have to be careful to watch out for the incoming lance in case it catches her inevitable giant hoop earrings)

Renaissance Graffiti. When I look at my local public toilets I want to see “Bob was here” and not “Sir Robert deemed this wall acceptable for his presence”. Da Vinci has no place on my local toilet. Michelangelo can leave his Sistine Ceiling at home.

Underclass Pregnancy. Some of the peasant stock the youth of today are forced to meet at school just isn’t good enough. I wouldn’t want my child (if I had one) bearing the child of a commoner.

Joy-Horse-Riding. Oh dear. You better watch out for those stallions going up and down the high street. With their constant boom-boom-boom.

Literate Verbal Abuse. (It will all bring new meaning to Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe, or I’ve an Ho as it will become.) Swearing may be rude and unacceptable behavior but just because somebody can stream off something from the age chivalry doesn’t mean that the intention isn’t the same.

I didn’t even get into other problems such as Classroom Jesters interrupting learning! Crazy times.